What should I do if my child comes out to me?

First, it’s important to know that many, many Christian parents have been right where you are now! Thankfully, several of them have written thoughtful books filled with advice. Here are some snippets:

• From Greg and Lynn McDonald‘s book Embracing the Journey:
  • “Offer your child love, no matter what. Even if your internal reaction is negative or confused, your child needs the love of their parents. Tell them that you are proud of their honesty and that you are here for them. Remind them that you are always on the same team, and you want what’s best for them. To get there will require grace, patience, time, and understanding.”
  • “As much as you want to lecture your child and try to create change, remember to also listen. Your child has likely thought about many of the spiritual implications and practical concerns. Take the time to hear them and understand where they are personally.”
  • “Find someone to counsel you. For us, it was our pastor, but it could also be a mentor, Bible study leader, therapist, close friend, or family member. What’s important is that it’s someone who will respond with grace and love, not judgment, and will help you sort through what you’re thinking.”
  • “Seek a Christ-like response. Ask yourself: if Jesus were talking with your child, what would he say to them? Push aside quotes from the media, the ‘experts,’ and even your pastor. There will be time later to work through their ideas. But while everything is fresh and vulnerable, follow the footsteps of the Son of God, who extends grace and offers love first.”
• Susan Cottrell, in her book “Mom, I’m Gay,” reminds parents to consider avoid responding in a way that will validate their child’s worst fears:
  • “Like most of our LGBTQ kids, your child knew how shocked they were to discover they were different, and they know there’s a good chance you’ll be shocked too. Not only shocked but hostile. They have imagined you being upset, yelling at them, throwing them out, even disowning them. Believe me, these kids have heard the stories, and they are hoping their parents won’t go ballistic. They’ve probably wondered what they’ll do if they are rejected, where they’ll go, how they’ll move forward.”
  • If you are supportive, Susan encourages you to make sure your child knows this. Even if you strongly disapprove, though, Susan suggests being careful with your words: “You may not like the sweater you received for Christmas, but you can certainly appreciate the thoughtfulness, time, and effort Aunt Mary expended to get it to you. Similarly, you can express appreciation for your child’s dilemma, knowing God is able to direct them in this intensely personal area.”
  • “If your initial response was less than glowing, please forgive yourself. Instead, make amends with your child; ask forgiveness, if you have not yet done so. Only an enemy torments us over our mistakes—God does not. Please don’t torture yourself over what has transpired. Forgive yourself, accept your child’s forgiveness, and move on with the business of loving them. The time is now for a beautiful relationship with your child!”
• Debbie Causey, author of The BIG Reveal: Loving Your LGBTQ+ Child While Strengthening Your Faith, adds the importance of being on your own journey:
  • “Consider connecting with a parent support group. Hearing other stories of interactions between children and their parents can be very helpful.”
  • “Get to know LGBTQ+ people through reading about them or spending time with them personally. Ask them about their stories and their journeys…. Stories are powerful tools for us to learn from in times like these.”
  • “It’s okay to be on a journey. It’s okay to be confused. And it’s okay not to have certainty or to know black from white. You will stay here for a while, and some of you will stay here forever. But it’s important to remember that God is on this journey with you and has a purpose for you.”
• Justin Lee also offers this video for parents with more advice from a gay Christian’s perspective.